Jesse's Jokes

Jesse · **Posted:** Fri Jan 29, 2010 11:11 am

Well, since this was on the LAST Scaratings, I fikgured I might as well revive it.....AND under the same category "don't Wanna Hear It"

The same "rules" apply as the last one....

1) Anyone can post a joke
2) They MUST be original
3) They should be groaners, i.e. corny

scar · **Joined:** Sun Jan 10, 2010 6:57 pm **Posts:** 2218

Oh my God.

Dante · **Posted:** Fri Jan 29, 2010 2:01 pm

Jesse wrote:

Well, since this was on the LAST Scaratings, I fikgured I might as well revive it.....AND under the same category "don't Wanna Hear It"

The same "rules" apply as the last one....

1) Anyone can post a joke
2) They MUST be original
3) They should be groaners, i.e. corny

Khaos · **Posted:** Mon Feb 01, 2010 7:03 pm

How about this?

Next time you're on a plane do this
1) Remove laptop from its bag
2) Open Laptop slowly and carefully
3) Turn on
4) Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5) Connect to the internet
6) Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze to the sky, as if in prayer
7) Take a deep breath and open this site: ...http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8) Turn and observe the reaction of the other passenger.

Dante · **Posted:** Tue Feb 02, 2010 7:09 am

Jesse wrote:

Well, since this was on the LAST Scaratings, I fikgured I might as well revive it.....AND under the same category "don't Wanna Hear It"

The same "rules" apply as the last one....

1) Anyone can post a joke
2) They MUST be original
3) They should be groaners, i.e. corny

What did Custer call his Athlete's Foot?

The agony of defeet.

(groan)

I'm still trying to remember that horrible, horrible Wookie joke you told, Jesse.

Tim · **Joined:** Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:50 am **Posts:** 43

Dante wrote:

I'm still trying to remember that horrible, horrible Wookie joke you told, Jesse.

Basically:
Do you remember the desert scene in The Empire Strikes Back (I think) where Han and Chewy were captured in the desert trying to infiltrate Jabba's place (or something like that)?
Well little did George Lucas know at the time, but this was the first time in history that a Wookie was ever filmed in heat. Ba dum cha.

Except when Jesse told it, it was like a 14 minutes joke. I'm not really sure how that worked out.

Slaine · **Joined:** Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:17 am **Posts:** 66

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1, it's a fairly easy task.

Slaine · **Joined:** Wed Jan 13, 2010 2:17 am **Posts:** 66

A man walked into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.

A naked guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables wrapped around his neck and orders a Scotch and soda. The bartender says, "O.K., but don't start anything."

Jesse · **Posted:** Fri Apr 08, 2011 12:51 am

WOW...I think this is the first time I'm using this thread in this incarnation of Scaratings....but here goes....

Now That Pluto is officially a dwarf planet and everybody has now accepted this fact (myself begrudgingly so, b/c NOW, My Very easy Method Just Set Up...Nothing...but I digress, where was I???) Oh, yes now that it is generally accepted that Pluto has been "demoted" to dwarf planet status the following items can and SHOULD apply:

1) PLUTOnium (Pu-named in honor for the discovery of Pluto) is now a dwarf element.

2) PLUTOcracy is now a dwarf form of government. (perhaps run by little people??? I don't know)

But for SURE the following WILL apply

3) PLUTO is now demoted in stature to a dwarf Greek god. If he can't hold up his planet to regular status then he needs to be demoted and perhaps replaced by somebody who CAN hold up his planet, therefore in the future ATLAS will take Pluto's place at Mt. Olympus.

I believe this sums up my argument. If anyone has problems with these changes, please write to your local planetarium. Or, perhaps, the Greek government. Thank you.

zog741 · **Posted:** Fri Apr 08, 2011 2:13 pm

Pluto should, additionally, be demoted to a dwarf canine! (His owner is a mouse for crying out loud.) :mrgreen:

-- RWM

Jesse · **Posted:** Tue Jun 19, 2012 11:22 pm

I can't believe it's been over a year since I've broken this out...BUT....I cam up w/ a real groaner that I told my mother this morning....

If Abraham Lincoln had been a geometry teacher/professor instead of a lawyer the Gettysburg Address would have begun:

"Four SQUARE and seven years ago......." :lol:

FrankC · **Posted:** Tue Jun 19, 2012 11:30 pm

Jesse wrote:

I can't believe it's been over a year since I've broken this out...BUT....I cam up w/ a real groaner that I told my mother this morning....

If Abraham Lincoln had been a geometry teacher/professor instead of a lawyer the Gettysburg Address would have begun:

"Four SQUARE and seven years ago......." :lol:

Jesse, that one is pretty damn funny. I laughed.

Jesse · **Posted:** Tue Jun 19, 2012 11:38 pm

FrankC wrote:

Jesse wrote:

I can't believe it's been over a year since I've broken this out...BUT....I cam up w/ a real groaner that I told my mother this morning....

If Abraham Lincoln had been a geometry teacher/professor instead of a lawyer the Gettysburg Address would have begun:

"Four SQUARE and seven years ago......." :lol:

Jesse, that one is pretty damn funny. I laughed.

You'd be one of the few

Jesse · **Posted:** Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:07 am

I was playing live trivia today and there happened to be a bottle of ketchup (catsup) and a bottle of of mustard and, by golly, I came up with another groaner:

when a ketchup bottle and a mustard bottle meet, it's a meeting of the HEINZ!!!!

To my dismay, no sooner had I come up w/ that groaner a fellow live trivia player (and Buzzie Rob [SUGARD]) faced the bottles back end to back end and said:

"NOW it's a meeting of the HINDS!!!!

Outdone by my own pun.......

Curses foiled again......

Jesse · **Posted:** Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:10 am

while writing that previous groaner sitting at my PC I came up w/ yet another groaner:

Scientists who work in atomic chambers are SO worried that they're splitting AIRS!!!!

(this may not be a 100% scientifically accurate statement but it's good enough for the pun)

FrankC · **Posted:** Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:25 am

Jesse wrote:

I was playing live trivia today and there happened to be a bottle of ketchup (catsup) and a bottle of of mustard and, by golly, I came up with another groaner:

when a ketchup bottle and a mustard bottle meet, it's a meeting of the HEINZ!!!!

To my dismay, no sooner had I come up w/ that groaner a fellow live trivia player (and Buzzie Rob [SUGARD]) faced the bottles back end to back end and said:

"NOW it's a meeting of the HINDS!!!!

Outdone by my own pun.......

Curses foiled again......

When ketchup meets mustard that must have been French's. I am sure Heinz had a good time.. Yes this is not a pun.

Zebra · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 3:10 pm **Posts:** 51

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

Jesse · **Posted:** Sun Jul 01, 2012 11:49 pm

Two more I came up w/ over the weekend:

1) Why did the guy put tape around his sandwich??? He wanted to JOIN A CLUB, of course....

2) Did anyone here about the pothead who went to jail??? Now He's smoking joints in the joint.....

These Jokes Brought to you by Jesse Dorsky and Prescott Pharmaceuticals....(see how many people get THAT little reference...)

pengwn · **Posted:** Tue Jul 03, 2012 8:20 pm

Where's the best place in Mexico to raise sheep?

Baa-aaa California

Gogetem · **Joined:** Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:31 am **Posts:** 783

pengwn wrote:

Where's the best place in Mexico to raise sheep?

Baa-aaa California

Now that was baaaad.

Jesse · **Posted:** Fri Jul 06, 2012 3:10 am

Gogetem wrote:

pengwn wrote:

Where's the best place in Mexico to raise sheep?

Baa-aaa California

Now that was baaaad.

Not ONLY was it baaaad, but he left the goats out and now THEY are maaaad......

Jesse · **Posted:** Fri Jul 06, 2012 12:32 pm

stacie was in tub in my bathroom and as she stepped she tooted.....

and I came up w/ a classic jesse joke.....I said "you pooed!" To which she replied "No I didn't, I farted!"

I said, "YEAH, farting is LIKE poop, so it's poo, just short of poop.....

SO, I've decided that the following words are now acceptable slang for the word fart:

Poo (p)

Fesce (s)

Shi (t)

Cra (p)

Dum (p)

BM ---> IBM (Infinitesimal Bowel Movement...SO minute and small one only farted...)

Number 1.5 (for those whose brains lean more toward math than English)

Thank You.....

Please don't remove this for being dirty it is all in good taste, er, waste....

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

Jesse, you have outdone yourself with this joke, which few will understand, and the few, who do, won't find the least bit funny.

I know you don't drink, but it might be a good idea if you started drinking heavily, so you would have some kind of an excuse for posting such terrible jokes on the "ScaRatings".

Helene, who loves you, for some crazy reason, I cannot understand, thinks your joke was funny. However, she also thinks that the The Three Stooges are funny.

(Helene, is mad at me for suggesting that she thought The Three Stooges were funny. Yeah, I know that isn't true, but I threw it in to be funny.)

You need to make up jokes that people can get without having to spend hours trying to read your mind to figure out what humor might be hidden there. You will never get to be a writer for "Saturday Night Live", if you don't make your jokes more understandable for the masses.

p.s. However, keep them coming. This is why this thread is called "Jesse's Jokes". They have to be original, and no one expects them to be good. :lol:

Jesse · **Posted:** Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:04 pm

I was at the All-Star game the other day and after the game ended, I needed to use the restroom...Needless to say there was a HUUUUGE line at the restroom. Seeing as to how I can only use the

handicapped stall I proceeded to cut in front of the line at which I was told that I could NOT cut to the front of the line. After explaining why, I was still told to wait my turn at the back of the line.

SO, as it turned out........

If I wanted to PEE I had to QUEUE

pengwn · **Posted:** Thu Jul 12, 2012 4:58 pm

You should've told that joke with some pirate flair

Arrrr . . .

New Scaratings

Jesse's Jokes

Who is online