New Scaratings

It was a slow, boring day. Outside the sun was beating down like a Gene Krupa solo. I was sitting in my office reading my name through the back of the frosted glass door. It said

BUBZLB
etavirP
eyE.

Then I saw what may have been a silhouette through the door. This was confirmed by a soft knock. “Come on in,” I yelled. “It’s open.” The door opened half way and a tall, blond woman slid sideways into the office. She had the kind of eyes that make a guy forget about time, and a body that make you wish you could ogle it for eternity. I realized I must be staring, so to break the mood I asked, “How can I help you?” She susurated, “My name is GIRLIE, and I need your help. My friend JJBOBB says his RECAPS are missing. Grab your notebook. Here’s a Round-Up of what I know.”

1. This NFL owner died last month at age 82? AL DAVIS. 2. A __ is a toothed bar with which a pawl engages: RACHET. 3. This year marks the 100th anniversary of China’s: WUCHANG UPRISING. 4. Which of these is a pinniped? WALRUS {koo koo kachoo}. 5. We get the word “spaghetti” from “spago” which means __ in Italian: STRING. 6. The two main types of photoreceptors in the human retina are: CONES AND RODS. 7. “Bellum Iustum” refers to this ancient Roman theory: JUST WAR. 8. This conifer has leaves that are needle-like when young and flat and scaly when mature: JUNIPER. 9. When added to another musical direction, both “assai” and “molto” mean: VERY. 10. Black Witch, Angle Shades and Blotched Emerald are all types of: MOTHS {Well Clarice, what do make of the Death’s Heads found in the victim?”}

I tucked the notebook into my front pocket and told GIRLIE, “I’ll take the case.” I decided to go down to Crotches Sports and gather more info. As I plopped into my seat an exotic woman, who goes by BBB, sat beside me.
“Hi toots, what are you drinking?” says I.
“Brandy,” she said.
“Barkeep,” I intone, “get the lady a BandB, and get me a STROs.”
“We ain’t got no STROs anymo’, ain’t seen it in ages,” says he.
I go, “then get me a DUFF.” Then I turn to BBB and ask what she’s heard about the missing JJBOBB Recaps.
She answers, “Let me give you a Count-Down of what I know.”

1. “Dreams of a Witches’ Sabbath” is the final movement of his “Fantastic Symphony”: HECTOR BERLIOZ. 2. Maintaining Kesh is a tenet of this Asian religious tradition: SIKHISM. 3. The star closest to our sun is __ Centauri: PROXIMA. 4. Frollo, Quasimodo and Esmerelda are creations of this novelist: VICTOR HUGO. 5. Canadian Emily Carr is a celebrated: ARTIST. 6. The Great Artesian Basin is located here: AUSTRALIA. 7. Adel al-Jubeir is the __ ambassador to the U.S.: SAUDI ARABIAN. 8. The Volker Rule applies directly to: FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS. 9. Pomphret, pompano and wrasse are types of: FISH. 10. The late Ramiz Alia was the second and last Communist ruler of: ALBANIA. 11. Also known as Breakbone Fever, ___ Fever is an infectious tropical disease: DENGUE. 12. The Foundation Series is by this author: ISAAC ASIMOV.

As BBB is finishing her countdown, a scruffy looking guy named ELPUKO comes stumbling in. He smells of Ben-gay and mothballs, mixed with marijuana smoke and wet goat hair. He begins to weave a long, rambling story of some game he likes to play on Tuesday nights. I have to admit to myself that the story is pretty amusing, but I’ve got work to do. I leave through the back door and begin to “Categorize” the rancid smells in the alley.

1. NOBEL PEACE PRIZES v film composers (like slime mold?)
Ellen Sirleaf Johnson, President of ___ shared the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize: LIBERIA

2. Theater actors v MIDDLE EAST CURRENTS
Hamas agreed to get __ Palestinian prisoners in exchange for one Israeli soldier: 1,027

3. LANGUAGES v current non-fiction
Which language belongs to the northeast Caucasian family: CHECHEN

4. middle east currents v NOBEL PEACE PRIZES
Tawakkul Karman of __ shared a third of the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize: YEMEN

5. CURRENT NON-FICTION v theater actors
Ron Susskind’s “Confidence Men” is a controversial book about the: OBAMA ADMINISTRATION

6. film composers (like bacteria on the surface of your teeth?) v LANGUAGES
Khoisan languages are spoken by the people living in this area: SOUTHERN AFRICA

Just as I categorize the strongest smell in the alley, I am distracted by the agonized bleating of Pepi the Love Goat. The noise is coming from behind a dumpster near the corner of the alley. I glide over in that direction to investigate. What comes into sight is image of a guy who could pass for Jerry Garcia in the dark. He is busy anally raping Pepi the Love Goat. I think to myself, “well at least he’s not diddling a QUAGGA. The guy sees me and quickly zips up and scurries around the corner. Fortunately I get a pretty good look at him as the sky has begun to Lightening. I untie Pepi, so he can go find ELPUKO and make a note in my book: “D as in Degenerate.”

1. What is an excrescence? OUTGROWTH. 2. HBO’s “Boardwalk Empire” is set during this era: PROHIBITION. 3. The late Franklin Kameny was a pioneer figure in the fight for __rights: GAY. 4. Extrovert and Introvert are personality types in the psychology of: CARL JUNG. 5. “A Survivor’s Tale” is the subtitle of this book by Art Spiegelman: MAUS. 6. It means a person whose fitness is being tested: PROBATIONER. 7. Who just won the Handel Medallion for arts achievement? STEPHEN SONDHEIM.

As I scoot around the corner to track the goat-roper, the last Lightening flash shows the perp ducking into an old, decrepit arcade that used to be called The NickelodeinN. As I enter the building in pursuit, I see the perp. As I expected, he is pot-bellied, balding and graying. He’s dropping goat hairs like a cottonwood on a windy day. I make a note, “D for Deciduous.”

I ask him if he knows anything about JJBOBB’s missing recaps. He replies in a New Yawker accent that his name is DAVY and that knows nothing about recaps. I start to ask him about Pepi, but he draws a pistols and wangs a shot off at me. I duck and roll as he bolts for the door. I lose my notebook in the fuss. Dejected, I head back to Crotches as my problems with this case PYRAMID.

P1. The Quds Force is a part of this country’s elite military operations: IRAN

P2. A Medieval order, the Hospitallers of Jerusalem were also called the Knights of: MALTA

P3. Richard Goldschmidt is responsible for the scientific theory popularly known as: HOPEFUL MONSTER

P4. Ayutthaya is the name of a current city and a former kingdom in this part of the world:
SOUTHEAST ASIA

P5. The genus phaseolus contains this staple food: BEANS

Crap, my problems continue to Pyramid. Now I’ve missed two of the last five clues. I decide to call my old friend LILJOL for help. He sends me to BLUMAX for expert Recap consultations. I ask BLUMAX why there’s so little effort visible in writing Recaps. His opinion is that it is just too much work for too little reward. Besides, he says, That DAVY guy is always so critical. I take out by spare notebook and write “D for Deconstructor.” I tell MAX, one FINAL question is bothering me:

On the Topic of EUROPEAN GEOGRAPHY
Which country borders Slovakia? Poland, Switzerland, Romania, Serbia, or Belarus?
POLAND

As I enter the alleyway leading to Crotches Sports, I see through the plate glass window, the team scores for the night: 49378, 47244, 46380, 44875, 44568, and 44523. This will yield a team score of 46,161, good for 21st place.

I am again distracted by the smells in the alley, but now I also detect the scent of something burning in a nearby trashcan. Curious, I peer in and see the remains of my lost notebook on flames. DAVY has beaten me to the punch. I can see now why Recaps are constantly being lost. Ruefully, I conclude that I will never be able to solve the case, but I have a prime suspect. I get out my new notebook and write “D as in dissension.”

_________________
}}}--( (x) (x) )--->
Oh my gawd, they killed
Ken Z.
You bastards!

Apparently, the devil is in the details...

Nice summary as always. sknahT os hcuM!