Jesse's Jokes

pengwn · **Posted:** Tue Mar 13, 2012 2:26 am

Could be?!?

That joke was as bad as the smell at Cape Crozier colony when the temperature hits 33 degrees and all the fish guts begin to thaw

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

Could be?!?

That joke was as bad as the smell at Cape Crozier colony when the temperature hits 33 degrees and all the fish guts begin to thaw

It was late, I had put down a few brewskis, but I thought you deserved an original penguin joke. I tried to come up with something about how many penguins does it take to screw in a light bulb. It went nowhere, Then I tried to make up a penguin knock-knock joke. Nothing again. I even tried to figure something out using the old "What's black and white and read (red) all over?" joke. Again, nothing came to mind. Finally I tied to come up with something along the line, "What do you get when you cross a penguin with a (You name it.). Another dead end. So I gave up and dumped a bucket of fish guts on my keyboard, and let my cat have at it. Duncan (Duncan is my cat.) licked it clean, while his little paws hammered away on the keyboard. I couldn't believe it, when Duncan was done, he hit submit. It looked pretty good to me, so I let his post stay.

................................

......................... "Keep those fish guts coming, and I'll write a novel..."

pengwn · **Posted:** Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:28 am

Cloudy wrote:

I even tried to figure something out using the old "What's black and white and read (red) all over?" joke. Again, nothing came to mind.

A penguin in a blender, of course

What's black, white, red and brown?

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

Cloudy wrote:

I even tried to figure something out using the old "What's black and white and read (red) all over?" joke. Again, nothing came to mind.

A penguin in a blender, of course

What's black, white, red and brown?

Not bad, PENGWN. :lol:

p.s. Let me dump some of that penguin puree on my keyboard, and see what Duncan the cat can come up with this time. (He likes bird guts too.) :lol:

pengwn · **Posted:** Thu Mar 15, 2012 12:46 pm

pengwn wrote:

Cloudy wrote:

I even tried to figure something out using the old "What's black and white and read (red) all over?" joke. Again, nothing came to mind.

A penguin in a blender, of course

What's black, white, red and brown?

The same penguin a week later

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

Cloudy wrote:

I even tried to figure something out using the old "What's black and white and read (red) all over?" joke. Again, nothing came to mind.

A penguin in a blender, of course

What's black, white, red and brown?

The same penguin a week later

What a great delayed follow up joke. Not bad again, but as the days go by the foul fowl is beginning to stink the blender up. Duncan, the cat, doesn't mind it though. He's more than ready to clean that blender out.

...........

........... "CLOUDY, I'm done. It's clean. Please let me out. Don't hit puree again...!"

pengwn · **Posted:** Thu Mar 29, 2012 12:39 pm

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet outside of Vancouver, BC, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago

Not to be outdone by Vancouver, a Toronto archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet near Orillia. At a press conference, he revealed that 200 year old copper cable doped with gold for better conductivity had been discovered at this depth, indicating Ontario's ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a century earlier than Vancouver

One week later, a local newspaper in Alberta reported the following
"After hearing about similar exploits elsewhere in Canada, Eddie - a self-taught archaeologist - dug down 30 feet beneath his pasture near Hobbema. Eddie found absolutely nothing, and has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Alberta had already gone wireless."

Just makes a person proud to be from Alberta! :mrgreen:

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet outside of Vancouver, BC, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago

Not to be outdone by Vancouver, a Toronto archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet near Orillia. At a press conference, he revealed that 200 year old copper cable doped with gold for better conductivity had been discovered at this depth, indicating Ontario's ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a century earlier than Vancouver

One week later, a local newspaper in Alberta reported the following
"After hearing about similar exploits elsewhere in Canada, Eddie - a self-taught archaeologist - dug down 30 feet beneath his pasture near Hobbema. Eddie found absolutely nothing, and has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Alberta had already gone wireless."

Just makes a person proud to be from Alberta! :mrgreen:

PENGWN, that was a funny joke... However, I have misgivings about it being your original creation or a once borrowed original from someone you know. We don't want to get too many really funny mainstream jokes on this thread, that will frighten all of the creators of stupid original jokes from posting their dumb jokes up here.

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

This is a CLOUDY original from many years ago.

What do Boy Scout camp out buddies and a high pressure salesman have in common...?

The hidden answer is:

*They are both "two in tents", or if you rather "too intense".*

Just left click on the hidden answer, hold the button down, drag your mouse between the two asterisks, and get ready to roll off your chair in hilarious laughter. :lol:

(Yeah, it's a verbal joke rather than a written one.)

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

I talked to JESSE again tonight, and begged him to start posting his original jokes up here. I have a feeling that he just kind of fluffed me off, and told me a new one over the phone that was so bad, that even I cannot in all good conscience post on this thread. Why...? It wasn't too salty, there was no ethnic or religious slur, quite simply, in my opinion, I don't think anyone would get it, let alone find it funny.

If anyone has JESSE's e-mail address, send him a message, asking him to come out of his cave, and start sharing his never ending original jokes with his buddies, who have been waiting so long to hear his groaners.

............................

........................... "Good Lord, why am I listening to JESSE's jokes? I know I have sinned, but I promise to repent."

pengwn · **Posted:** Thu Apr 19, 2012 12:10 am

Uncle Fester returns home one afternoon, and is surprised to find Lisa Loeb sitting on the front steps

"Hello there," says Fester, "what brings you to Addams Manor?"

Lisa replies "Waiting For Wednesday"

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

Uncle Fester returns home one afternoon, and is surprised to find Lisa Loeb sitting on the front steps

"Hello there," says Fester, "what brings you to Addams Manor?"

Lisa replies "Waiting For Wednesday"

PENGWN, you need to hook up with JESSE. You guys could collaborate. What a great comedy writing team you could be. All of the top stand-up comedians will be fighting to get you to write for them, and Saturday Night Live will surely offer you guys a big contract. If this isn't enough, I hear that there is a new "Airplane" movie in the making, and they are looking for writers.

..........

...........

......................... "Thank you PENGWN and JESSE" .................................................. "We need you, PENGWN and JESSE."........................... "Guys, the big money is here."

pengwn · **Posted:** Thu May 24, 2012 5:14 pm

Why do pies baked by ghosts always return when you throw them?

Because they're made with boo meringue

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

Why do pies baked by ghosts always return when you throw them?

Because they're made with boo meringue

I used your joke at the club today, and this is how the audience reacted:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxAKFlpdcfc

It is truly a great joke...!!! Way to go PENGWN...!

pengwn · **Posted:** Fri May 25, 2012 2:08 pm

The reaction I was expecting was more along the lines of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2KVj2vVxUs

Or maybe this. Brood I has started emerging around Roanoke and even into Tennessee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqys8lKsu4s

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

I can't understand why JESSE, who is at long last finally posting on the "Scaratings", has eschewed the "Jesse's Jokes" thread. This is a thread that was named for him, and his never ending stupid jokes.

JESSE, if you are listening, the time has come for you to post some of your original groaners up here. Hell, hundreds of people will read your creative, funny, words of witt here. You have nothing to lose, and this might just start a comedy writing career for you.

............... "Goodnight, I'm going to bed."

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

It's been nearly a year since anyone has dared posting an original joke here. Come on guys, I need some new material before I go to "Comedy Carivan", and try to do my stand-up comedy shtick. I need some new material. The worse, the better, the audience loves groaners, because it gives them an excuse to throw things at me. :lol:

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

Here's one of my Dad's originals. It really isn't a joke, but it's close enough for me repeat it here, before it is lost for all time.

We just got April Fools Day behind us, and someday you might want to try this.

The day after April Fools Day is over, pull an April Fools trick on someone.

If they groan and tell you, "April Fools Day is past, you are the biggest fool at last!"

You then reply, "Oh no! April Fools Day is yet to come. You're still the biggest fool, you bum!"

pengwn · **Posted:** Fri Apr 19, 2013 5:38 pm

This thread and its jokes have been A Series of Unfortunate Events
And with that book series in mind, didya hear about the time the author, Mr. Snicket, made a pass at his cleaning lady?

He was Lemony fresh :mrgreen:

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

This thread and its jokes have been A Series of Unfortunate Events
And with that book series in mind, didya hear about the time the author, Mr. Snicket, made a pass at his cleaning lady?

He was Lemony fresh :mrgreen:

Not all that bad...

It's a great plug for the wonderful computer game:

pengwn · **Posted:** Sat Apr 20, 2013 4:42 pm

Postin' computer games in the Jesse's Jokes thread . . . you better believe that's a paddlin'

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

Before I get "a paddlin", for some stupid reason, let me try to get one for something I deserve.

Here goes:

(This is not a Cloudy original. It is a joke I read on the bathroom wall at Mr. G's bar in Louisville some years ago.)

"Three men walked into a bar, the fourth man ducked."

p.s. Mr. G's was but one more of the many Louisville NTN trivia bars that dropped trivia.

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