Jesse's Jokes

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

FrankC wrote:

Why did not the little moron fall over the cliff and the big moron did? because he was a little moron.
That was a great joke in 1953.

Frank, something tells me that you did not make this joke up yourself. However, it certainly qualifies as yet another terrible "Jesse's Jokes" groaner. :lol:

WARNING...! WARNING...! WARNING...! GROANER AHEAD...

.........

pengwn · **Posted:** Thu Feb 09, 2012 3:31 pm

Cloudy wrote:

pengwn wrote:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels

Good one, PENGWN...! I think I just might give JESSE a call, and tell him your joke.

Here's a terrible follow-up to your joke:

Why did your bay gulls (bagles) move from the canals to the bay?

They didn't like all of the locks (lox) that they had to endure going through the canals. :lol:

Now that's a joke that deserves to be spread! Wa-hey!!

pengwn · **Posted:** Thu Feb 09, 2012 3:45 pm

So, there's this Chinese restaurant. Like all restaurants, it relies on regular food deliveries, and like most Asian restaurants, they go through lots of nuts

This particular Chinese restaurant had every delivery scheduled, except for two nut vendors who would drop by randomly: a man who sold tree nuts and a woman who sold legumes. The man always used the doorbell, but the woman never would, preferring instead to rap on the kitchen door

Because the restaurant was a long journey away, it was contractually obligated to make a purchase whenever an employee answered the door, whether they needed more of their foodstuffs or not. In order to avoid wasting money because of overstock spoiling or losing its freshness, the owner instructed the chefs to never open the kitchen door when they weren't expecting a delivery, unless they needed a particular type of nut, and the caller sounded the appropriate signal

Or, as he explained it: "Peanut girl knock, but Almond Gai Ding"

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

So, there's this Chinese restaurant. Like all restaurants, it relies on regular food deliveries, and like most Asian restaurants, they go through lots of nuts

This particular Chinese restaurant had every delivery scheduled, except for two nut vendors who would drop by randomly: a man who sold tree nuts and a woman who sold legumes. The man always used the doorbell, but the woman never would, preferring instead to rap on the kitchen door

Because the restaurant was a long journey away, it was contractually obligated to make a purchase whenever an employee answered the door, whether they needed more of their foodstuffs or not. In order to avoid wasting money because of overstock spoiling or losing its freshness, the owner instructed the chefs to never open the kitchen door when they weren't expecting a delivery, unless they needed a particular type of nut, and the caller sounded the appropriate signal

Or, as he explained it: "Peanut girl knock, but Almond Gai Ding"

PENGWN, you have outdone yourself. Hell, you should quit your job and start writing stuff for Jay Leno.

Now, I get your cleverly constructed joke, however, I'm afraid that there might be one or two folks out there that might have missed something, and need a little help. I think it would be kind, if you explained it to them. I would have done it myself, but it's your joke, and I think you can do a better job.

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

"ICED TEA"

Here's one that Alice Hunt-Tiano's son created sometime in the late 1980's or early 1990's. (Alice worked with me at Merrill Lynch at the time, and I fell for her son's joke.)

It goes like this:

I will say a word, and you put the word "iced" in front of it. Here we go:

My first word is "tea".

Your response is "iced tea".

My next word is "coffee".

Your response is "iced coffee".

My next word is "water".

Your response is "iced water".

My next word is "ink".

Your response is "iced ink".

My reply is "You sure do stink. Why don't you take a bath, and start using deodorant?" :lol:

pengwn · **Posted:** Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:58 pm

Cloudy wrote:

PENGWN, you have outdone yourself. Hell, you should quit your job and start writing stuff for Jay Leno.

Now, I get your cleverly constructed joke, however, I'm afraid that there might be one or two folks out there that might have missed something, and need a little help. I think it would be kind, if you explained it to them. I would have done it myself, but it's your joke, and I think you can do a better job.

The thread title makes no promises towards comprehensibility or humour in these jokes. Now that's a bar set low enough for me to clear

tiefly · **Joined:** Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:54 am **Posts:** 1665

Had a drinking buddy whose last name was Duckworth. Everyone called him Duckworth.

Everytime some said his name, I replied. "Two bills".

I crack myself up!!!

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

Cloudy wrote:

PENGWN, you have outdone yourself. Hell, you should quit your job and start writing stuff for Jay Leno.

Now, I get your cleverly constructed joke, however, I'm afraid that there might be one or two folks out there that might have missed something, and need a little help. I think it would be kind, if you explained it to them. I would have done it myself, but it's your joke, and I think you can do a better job.

The thread title makes no promises towards comprehensibility or humour in these jokes. Now that's a bar set low enough for me to clear

There is an implied promise here.

"Groan and moan."

p.s. Come on PENGWN, explain your joke to TEVERETT. Talked to her the other night, and she still doesn't get it. I really think you owe it to TEVERETTE, and perhaps a few others to do this...

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

tiefly wrote:

Had a drinking buddy whose last name was Duckworth. Everyone called him Duckworth.

Everytime some said his name, I replied. "Two bills".

I crack myself up!!!

TIEFLY, your Duckworth joke is worth ducking... :lol:

....................................... "I love quacking jokes."

pengwn · **Posted:** Tue Feb 14, 2012 1:09 am

Well, I'll be . . . after some in-depth research (read: a Wikipedia query), Almond Gai Ding returns only one result, under "Canadian Chinese Cuisine"

Huh. You can't find a Chinese takeaway here that doesn't offer it, so I just kinda assumed it was, y'know, an actual Chinese dish. Invented in China. Centuries ago

No Almond Gai Ding. No Ginger Beef, too, I shouldn't wonder. You poor, poor, Ohioans -- I thought onion-based salads were bad enough!

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

Well, I'll be . . . after some in-depth research (read: a Wikipedia query), Almond Gai Ding returns only one result, under "Canadian Chinese Cuisine"

Huh. You can't find a Chinese takeaway here that doesn't offer it, so I just kinda assumed it was, y'know, an actual Chinese dish. Invented in China. Centuries ago

No Almond Gai Ding. No Ginger Beef, too, I shouldn't wonder. You poor, poor, Ohioans -- I thought onion-based salads were bad enough!

Good joke, but perhaps it was a tiny bit too complicated for some of the people, who read this thread. Please don't get upset, this is just a suggestion.

Keep them coming, big guy...

p.s. JESSE e-mailed me yesterday. He loved your joke.

pengwn · **Posted:** Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:44 am

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

PENGWN, this joke couldn't have been worse, even if you had made it up yourself...

However, keep 'em coming, and before long you might wake JESSE up, and he might post some of his stinkers here, that could make your stinkers seem funny in comparison. :lol:

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

Another manual deletion. :evil:

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

This is a joke that nearly got me fired from Merrill Lynch sometime back in the mid 1970's. The joke just popped into my head, and like a fool I raised my hand in an office sales meeting, got recognized by the office sales manager, and told it.

I was very new in the business. The Dow Jones industrial average had declined to something in the mid 500's, before my first year as a broker was over. Cold calling people to open accounts at the time was extremely difficult to put it mildly.

Merrill was launching a campaign to sell the Japanese company's Nomura funds. It was a big deal, but wasn't going very well.

At our weekly sales meeting, the office sales manager, John Olsen, asked us how the Nomura fund was selling. I may be wrong, but as I recollect, nobody said anything, and I thought it might be a good time for some humor, and I raised my hand. Mr. Olsen immedately asked me what was working.

I said, "Mr. Olsen, Nomura has a lot of client recongition."

He smiled, and asked me to tell everyone about how it was working for me.

I said something like, "When I call people up to present Nomura to them eveything goes fine, until I tell them that it's a mutual fund. Once they hear that, they say, another mutual fund, I want Nomura of them. "

Mr. Olsen might have got the humor in what I had said, but if he did, the expression on his face didn't say so. With an angry glare, he cut me off, looked around the room for someone else holding their hand up, and the sales meeting quickly ended.

As I walked out of the meeting, I thought I was probably going to be fired, but I wasn't. As time went by, John Olsen and I became good friends, and somehow I think that he understood my creative humor, but just couldn't laugh at it at the sales meeting that day.

p.s. Struggling young broker that I was, I actually got some people to invest in it, and they all made money.

p.p.s. This post should in no way be considered a recommendation to invest in Normura funds. Consult your financial advisor before making any investments. Though I think it is no longer necessary, I've put my disclaimer in just in case... :lol:

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

One day, Hugh Roy, a senior Merrill Lynch broker came over to my desk, and said, "Keith, I've got a joke for you."

I sat there and listened to it. It was completely original, and pretty good. Hugh preficed it with saying, " You know that the Marines have a recruiting station that is on the traffic island in Times Square."

I nodded my head, and he continued, "If New York City told the Marines that they had to close that recruiting station, would that mean that New York City was rotten to the Corps?"

Not bad. Pretty creative, and funny too.

p.s. I think I should add this. Sadly, Hugh has passed away. However, he loved to play golf, and once said this, "When I die, I hope it is on the golf course." (I'm not joking.) If I can believe what I have been told, on the golf course is where he died of a heart attack.

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

David Robert Michael Hays (DRMH) is not only one of the best trivia players I have ever met, he also is well known for making up really corny jokes. There are so many of his goofy jokes that I have forgotten, so when he came up with a new one tonight, I asked him to write it down for me, so I could post it here.

Here it is:

"Why did Adam West never star in a movie directed by Clint Eastwood...?"

Dr. Mega Hertz answer is:

"They always went in opposite directions!"

p.s. DRMH is known as Doctor Mega Hertz by the Louisville trivia community.

p.p.s. David is not only one of the best trivia players I have ever met, he is also one of the kindest people I have ever known.

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

Here is a JESSE original. Though it is a terrible joke, it is perhaps one of the best of the hundreds of terrible jokes he has tortured me with over the years.

This might not be verbatim, but it's close enough:

There was a woman in London, who had to take a pee so badly that she could not walk or run. Her bloated bladder would only allow her to skip. In desparation, she knocked on the first door she could get to. A man opened the door, and asked her what she wanted. She said she had to pee in the worst way, and asked him if she should use the facilities. He told her to walk on in and relieve herself. She told the man that is was so bad that she couldn't walk. The man told her to run then. She said that she could not run either, and the only way she could move was to skip.

The man smiled at her knowingly, and said:

"Then hey, hey, skip to my loo, my darling."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EM30ZHz ... re=related

FrankC · **Posted:** Thu Mar 08, 2012 2:11 am

Cloudy wrote:

Here is a JESSE original. Though it is a terrible joke, it is perhaps one of the best of the hundreds of terrible jokes he has tortured me with over the years.

This might not be verbatim, but it's close enough:

There was a woman in London, who had to take a pee so badly that she could not walk or run. Her bloated bladder would only allow her to skip. In desparation, she knocked on the first door she could get to. A man opened the door, and asked her what she wanted. She said she had to pee in the worst way, and asked him if she should use the facilities. He told her to walk on in and relieve herself. She told the man that is was so bad that she couldn't walk. The man told her to run then. She said that she could not run either, and the only way she could move was to skip.

The man smiled at her knowingly, and said:

"Then hey, hey, skip to my loo, my darling."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EM30ZHz ... re=related

I think that is a fantastic joke or pun.

pengwn · **Posted:** Thu Mar 08, 2012 11:14 am

Cloudy wrote:

Here is a JESSE original. Though it is a terrible joke, it is perhaps one of the best of the hundreds of terrible jokes he has tortured me with over the years.

This might not be verbatim, but it's close enough:

There was a woman in London, who had to take a pee so badly that she could not walk or run. Her bloated bladder would only allow her to skip. In desparation, she knocked on the first door she could get to. A man opened the door, and asked her what she wanted. She said she had to pee in the worst way, and asked him if she should use the facilities. He told her to walk on in and relieve herself. She told the man that is was so bad that she couldn't walk. The man told her to run then. She said that she could not run either, and the only way she could move was to skip.

The man smiled at her knowingly, and said:

"Then hey, hey, skip to my loo, my darling."

The financial standing of the woman is not disclosed, but I am not inclined to believe she was at all wealthy. Hence, I have no recourse but to judge this joke to be . . . Piss Poor :lol:

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

Cloudy wrote:

Here is a JESSE original. Though it is a terrible joke, it is perhaps one of the best of the hundreds of terrible jokes he has tortured me with over the years.

This might not be verbatim, but it's close enough:

There was a woman in London, who had to take a pee so badly that she could not walk or run. Her bloated bladder would only allow her to skip. In desparation, she knocked on the first door she could get to. A man opened the door, and asked her what she wanted. She said she had to pee in the worst way, and asked him if she should use the facilities. He told her to walk on in and relieve herself. She told the man that is was so bad that she couldn't walk. The man told her to run then. She said that she could not run either, and the only way she could move was to skip.

The man smiled at her knowingly, and said:

"Then hey, hey, skip to my loo, my darling."

The financial standing of the woman is not disclosed, but I am not inclined to believe she was at all wealthy. Hence, I have no recourse but to judge this joke to be . . . Piss Poor :lol:

Not bad, PENGWN... I would say after that great post, that you're in the "Jesse's Jokes Hall of Fame". :lol:

................

............ "A toast to PENGWN, for his most humorous post."

pengwn · **Posted:** Fri Mar 09, 2012 1:37 pm

Cloudy wrote:

pengwn wrote:

Cloudy wrote:

Here is a JESSE original. Though it is a terrible joke, it is perhaps one of the best of the hundreds of terrible jokes he has tortured me with over the years.

This might not be verbatim, but it's close enough:

There was a woman in London, who had to take a pee so badly that she could not walk or run. Her bloated bladder would only allow her to skip. In desparation, she knocked on the first door she could get to. A man opened the door, and asked her what she wanted. She said she had to pee in the worst way, and asked him if she should use the facilities. He told her to walk on in and relieve herself. She told the man that is was so bad that she couldn't walk. The man told her to run then. She said that she could not run either, and the only way she could move was to skip.

The man smiled at her knowingly, and said:

"Then hey, hey, skip to my loo, my darling."

The financial standing of the woman is not disclosed, but I am not inclined to believe she was at all wealthy. Hence, I have no recourse but to judge this joke to be . . . Piss Poor :lol:

Not bad, PENGWN... I would say after that great post, that you're in the "Jesse's Jokes Hall of Fame". :lol:

................

............ "A toast to PENGWN, for his most humorous post."

Wow, what an honour! I'm positively flush with excitement! In fact, I better seat myself down in case the emotion bowls me over like a tank

Although, I did know this was coming, thanks to a leak that trickled along to me. Nevertheless, all this gives me a warm feeling deep down, just like I get on my B-day

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

Many years ago I was in a hot tub in Florida with a bunch of my fellow brokers and our spouses on a trip we had won. Denny Thomas told a story about a motorcycle gang's initiation ceremony. The story went that the new guys had to sit in a tight circle on the ground, while rest of the gang pissed on them to be accepted into the gang.

Everyone laughed, and suddenly a great extemporaneous joke popped into my head.

"What did the gang say after pissing on the new guys? You're in ...?"

(Yeah, I know that I borrowed "You're in" to reply to a PENGWN post a little while ago on this thread, but I thought I should tell where it originally came from.)

pengwn · **Posted:** Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:24 am

Y'know, I don't like this originality rule very much . . .

Q: What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?

A: http://www.futilitycloset.com/2006/02/13/rimshot-7/

Cloudy · **Joined:** Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:30 am **Posts:** 5277

pengwn wrote:

Y'know, I don't like this originality rule very much . . .

Q: What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?

A: http://www.futilitycloset.com/2006/02/13/rimshot-7/

PENGWN, you can get away with bending the rules on threads I've started. I'm easy, and a rule bender myself.

Why are there no penguin abstact creative thinkers?

................... "I give, Why...?"

Because they see everything as black and white.

(Now that could be the worst penguin joke that anyone has ever made up.) :roll:

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