New Scaratings
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Jesse's Jokes
http://www.scaratings.com/newScaratings/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=1474		 Page 1 of 3
Author:  Cloudy [ Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Jesse's Jokes
Image

Guys and gals, don't blame me, this was ICEMAN's idea.

On the original "ScaRatings" we had a thread called "Jesse's Jokes". For those of you, who have never met Jesse, he loves to tell jokes and riddles that he makes up, and they are ALL TERRIBLE. Anyway, thanks to ICEMAN, I have been directed to recreate the thread. (Corny riddles with funny answers are okay too.)

The only rules are:

1- What you post MUST BE YOUR ORIGINAL CREATION. No passing on a funny joke you heard is permissible. (There is one exeption to this - see my p.p.s. below.)

2- They MUST BE IN GOOD TASTE. Nothing that DANTE would disapprove of will be allowed, and could get you banned from the "ScaRatings".

Okay, to get things started, I will go first.

This is a joke to use on 5 and 6-year-olds at Christmas time.

Your start: "Billy, I don't think Santa will be coming this year."

Billy's likely response: "Why?"

Your punch line: "Santa came down with the chimney flue."

p.s. Wasn't it kind of me to set the bar so low for starters...? :lol:

p.p.s. A joke you heard from a family member or friend is also permissible, as long as you think that they created it, and give them credit for creating it.

p.p.p.s. Even if you don't have an original joke to toss up here, feel free to post any comments that you might think appropriate.
Author:  tiefly [ Mon Jan 23, 2012 9:44 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jesse's Jokes
1. Why don't ice cubes have babies?

When they into heat, they melt.


2. If you ate a place called the "Sanitary Lunch" (there was such a place in Clarksburg, WV back in the day), would they give you sanitary napkins with your meal?

3. Is Alex Ovechkin really the Patron Saint of Jack-o-lanterns?
Author:  pengwn [ Mon Jan 23, 2012 6:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jesse's Jokes
So, this tech geek is bragging about his new smartphone to his hipster friend

"It's a Samsung Galaxy!" he boasts

"Pfft" scoffs the hipster. "I had one of those ages ago, back when it was the Samsung Quasar"


(If that joke doesn't mercy-kill this thread in a hurry, I don't know what will)
Author:  Cloudy [ Tue Jan 24, 2012 1:55 am ]
Post subject:  I see great creativity already...
tiefly wrote:
1. Why don't ice cubes have babies?

When they into heat, they melt.


2. If you ate a place called the "Sanitary Lunch" (there was such a place in Clarksburg, WV back in the day), would they give you sanitary napkins with your meal?

3. Is Alex Ovechkin really the Patron Saint of Jack-o-lanterns?


TIEFLY, I see great creativity already. Keep them coming.
Author:  Cloudy [ Tue Jan 24, 2012 2:08 am ]
Post subject:  PENGWN, flap your wings...
pengwn wrote:
So, this tech geek is bragging about his new smartphone to his hipster friend

"It's a Samsung Galaxy!" he boasts

"Pfft" scoffs the hipster. "I had one of those ages ago, back when it was the Samsung Quasar"


(If that joke doesn't mercy-kill this thread in a hurry, I don't know what will)


PENGWIN, flap your wings... You've got them rolling in the aisles. The cornier, the better.

p.s. Jesse would be proud of you. It's too late for me to call him tonight, but tomorrow, I will tell him the thread, that bears his name, is now once again alive and well on the "New ScaRatings".
Author:  Cloudy [ Tue Jan 24, 2012 2:49 am ]
Post subject:  My grandfather's joke, as best as I can remember it...
Giving my grandfather preacher full credit for this joke, which I truly believe to be original, here comes:

(This will not be verbatim, because it was well over 50 years ago that I heard him tell it, but I will do my best.)

Rupert was the town drunk, but he always showed up for church on Sunday. However, Rupert would fall to sleep during the sermon every time. This annoyed the pastor, who decided to teach Rupert a lesson.

One Sunday, after the pastor saw Rupert dozing off, he decided that the time had come. The pastor changed the tone of his sermon to a very quiet and soft voice. Softly, he said, "All of you, who have lived a God fearing life of righteousness and goodness, please stand up quietly at this time. The entire congregation, with the exception of Rupert, silently stood up.

After everyone had sat back down, standing at the pulpit, the pastor boomed out in a loud voice, "All of you, who have lived a life of drunken sin, and plan to go to Hell, stand up NOW!"

Awakened, by the pastor's booming voice, Rupert jumped to his feet, and looked around. Seeing that only he and the pastor were standing up, Rupert said, "Preacher, I don't know what we are voting on, but it looks like only you and I are for it."
Author:  tiefly [ Tue Jan 24, 2012 8:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jesse's Jokes
The Greyhound Bus depot in my home town had a restaurant in it called The Terminal Diner. I always wonder if they served a Last Supper.

Also...in the vein of found humor...as I was stumbling to the Microtel from the BWW last Friday night, I slipped on a manhole cover. As I looked down at it, I saw it had writing on it. It said:

SANITARY SEWER

From a Bdubs, I think not.

(I took a picture of it on my phone)
Author:  Cloudy [ Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Not bad...
tiefly wrote:
The Greyhound Bus depot in my home town had a restaurant in it called The Terminal Diner. I always wonder if they served a Last Supper.

Also...in the vein of found humor...as I was stumbling to the Microtel from the BWW last Friday night, I slipped on a manhole cover. As I looked down at it, I saw it had writing on it. It said:

SANITARY SEWER

From a Bdubs, I think not.

(I took a picture of it on my phone)


Not bad... Can you post that picture you took on your phone up here?
Author:  Tiamat [ Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jesse's Jokes
tiefly wrote:
The Greyhound Bus depot in my home town had a restaurant in it called The Terminal Diner. I always wonder if they served a Last Supper.

Also...in the vein of found humor...as I was stumbling to the Microtel from the BWW last Friday night, I slipped on a manhole cover. As I looked down at it, I saw it had writing on it. It said:

SANITARY SEWER

From a Bdubs, I think not.

(I took a picture of it on my phone)


I think that ranks right up there with MILITARY INTELLIGENCE lol.
Author:  Cloudy [ Tue Jan 24, 2012 10:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Here is my grandmother's riddle...
Here is my grandmother's riddle, which I believe she created.

There was a hungry man, without eyes, looking for apples. He saw a tree with apples upon it. He didn't take apples from the tree. When he left the tree, it did not have apples anymore. How could this be...?

(No, the apples did not fall to the ground, wither up, or anything like that, nor did the man use a saw on the tree. However, his apple hunger was satisfied.)

p.s. I might not have my grandmother's riddle word for word, exactly as she asked it, all those years ago, but it's pretty close. The comments in parenthesis are mine. Good luck, I will be looking for your answers. :D
Author:  tiefly [ Wed Jan 25, 2012 8:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Not bad...
Cloudy wrote:
tiefly wrote:
The Greyhound Bus depot in my home town had a restaurant in it called The Terminal Diner. I always wonder if they served a Last Supper.

Also...in the vein of found humor...as I was stumbling to the Microtel from the BWW last Friday night, I slipped on a manhole cover. As I looked down at it, I saw it had writing on it. It said:

SANITARY SEWER

From a Bdubs, I think not.

(I took a picture of it on my phone)


Not bad... Can you post that picture you took on your phone up here?


That is well beyond my technical abilities...but I'll show it to you @ TOLLEpalooza.
Author:  Cloudy [ Thu Jan 26, 2012 10:24 pm ]
Post subject:  What is "TOLLEpalooza" and how do I get to it...?
tiefly wrote:
Cloudy wrote:
tiefly wrote:
The Greyhound Bus depot in my home town had a restaurant in it called The Terminal Diner. I always wonder if they served a Last Supper.

Also...in the vein of found humor...as I was stumbling to the Microtel from the BWW last Friday night, I slipped on a manhole cover. As I looked down at it, I saw it had writing on it. It said:

SANITARY SEWER

From a Bdubs, I think not.

(I took a picture of it on my phone)


Not bad... Can you post that picture you took on your phone up here?


That is well beyond my technical abilities...but I'll show it to you @ TOLLEpalooza.


What is "TOLLEpalooza" and how do I get to it...? :?
Author:  Cloudy [ Fri Jan 27, 2012 10:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Two-man Polish submarine riddle-joke...
(I made this riddle-joke up back in the politically incorrect 1960's, when Polish jokes abounded, and I married a woman of Polish descent. So please don't come down too hard on me.)

Here goes:

What did one Polish sailor ask the other Polish sailor, while they were submerged in their two-man submarine?
Author:  liljol [ Fri Jan 27, 2012 11:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Two-man Polish submarine riddle-joke...
Cloudy wrote:
(I made this riddle-joke up back in the politically incorrect 1960's, when Polish jokes abounded, and I married a woman of Polish descent. So please don't come down too hard on me.)

Here goes:

What did one Polish sailor ask the other Polish sailor, while they were submerged in their two-man submarine?

HOOF HEARTED?
Author:  Cloudy [ Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:01 am ]
Post subject:  Pretty funny answer, Liljol...
liljol wrote:
Cloudy wrote:
(I made this riddle-joke up back in the politically incorrect 1960's, when Polish jokes abounded, and I married a woman of Polish descent. So please don't come down too hard on me.)

Here goes:

What did one Polish sailor ask the other Polish sailor, while they were submerged in their two-man submarine?

HOOF HEARTED?


Pretty funny answer, LilJol... I think it qualifies for an orginal joke on this thread. Welcome aboard, keep them coming. :D

p.s. For those of you, who might not have picked up on LilJol's "Hoof Hearted?" punny answer, the real answer is "Who farted?"

...................................... Image

............................."Yah, we Polish submariners always eat beans and saurcraut, before we submerge."
Author:  Gogetem [ Sat Jan 28, 2012 2:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Two-man Polish submarine riddle-joke...
Cloudy wrote:
(I made this riddle-joke up back in the politically incorrect 1960's, when Polish jokes abounded, and I married a woman of Polish descent. So please don't come down too hard on me.)

Here goes:

What did one Polish sailor ask the other Polish sailor, while they were submerged in their two-man submarine?

That's amazing! I heard that joke before I heard of you. :lol:

Either way, I liked it. But then again, I'm a debauchee.
Author:  liljol [ Sat Jan 28, 2012 5:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Two-man Polish submarine riddle-joke...
Gogetem wrote:
Either way, I liked it. But then again, I'm a debauchee.

Yep, some of us will be more than a lil glad to vouch for that. Image
Author:  Cloudy [ Sat Jan 28, 2012 7:32 pm ]
Post subject:  I created this joke...!
liljol wrote:
Gogetem wrote:
Either way, I liked it. But then again, I'm a debauchee.

Yep, some of us will be more than a lil glad to vouch for that. Image


I created this joke over 45 years ago...! I'm glad to hear that it has spread across the country. Perhaps I should have copyrighted it, but who does that with Jokes? :lol:

Image

THIS JOKE IS ABSOLUTELY AN ORIGINAL CLOUDY CREATION...!!!

p.s. I know that I kid around a lot, but this time I am very serious.
Author:  Gogetem [ Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Two-man Polish submarine riddle-joke...
liljol wrote:
Gogetem wrote:
Either way, I liked it. But then again, I'm a debauchee.

Yep, some of us will be more than a lil glad to vouch for that. Image

Great! I though that maybe I was slipping as of late. :lol:
Author:  Cloudy [ Mon Jan 30, 2012 1:57 am ]
Post subject:  Why have you been hoding back...?
Gogetem wrote:
liljol wrote:
Gogetem wrote:
Either way, I liked it. But then again, I'm a debauchee.

Yep, some of us will be more than a lil glad to vouch for that. Image

Great! I though that maybe I was slipping as of late. :lol:


Why have you been holding back...? Keep this humor coming. :D

"Slipping as of late." took a long time for me to figure out. Dry humor has always been a problem for me. :D

Why did the elderly hockey player, wearing bedroom slippers in the snow, who showed up at 10:00 for a 9:00 o'clock face off, miss the first half of the championship game?

He was slipping as well as late. :lol:
Author:  pengwn [ Mon Jan 30, 2012 1:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jesse's Jokes
What do you call a dessert treat shared by the King of Thailand and a Tibetan Dharma guru?

A Rama-Lama Ding Dong
Author:  Cloudy [ Tue Jan 31, 2012 1:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Here is my grandmother's riddle...
Cloudy wrote:
Here is my grandmother's riddle, which I believe she created.

There was a hungry man, without eyes, looking for apples. He saw a tree with apples upon it. He didn't take apples from the tree. When he left the tree, it did not have apples anymore. How could this be...?

(No, the apples did not fall to the ground, wither up, or anything like that, nor did the man use a saw on the tree. However, his apple hunger was satisfied.)

p.s. I might not have my grandmother's riddle word for word, exactly as she asked it, all those years ago, but it's pretty close. The comments in parenthesis are mine. Good luck, I will be looking for your answers. :D


I don't think that anyone here has solved my grandmother's riddle, so I will tell you all the answer.

The answer has to do with singular and plural nouns.

The man without eyes only had one eye, so he was without eyes.

The tree with apples upon it only had two apples.

The man took but one apple from the tree, not apples.

There was just one apple left upon the tree. Therefore the tree no longer had apples.

(You can all thank Esther MacLeod for this. She was a fiesty lady in her time, and a college graduate back in the early 1920's, when very few women went to college. She married my grandfather, Roderick MacLeod, and they went off to Tibet together as Congregational missionaries, where my father was born.)
Author:  pengwn [ Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Jesse's Jokes
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels
Author:  Cloudy [ Thu Feb 09, 2012 1:12 am ]
Post subject:  Good one, PENGWN...!
pengwn wrote:
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels


Good one, PENGWN...! I think I just might give JESSE a call, and tell him your joke.

Here's a terrible follow-up to your joke:

Why did your bay gulls (bagles) move from the canals to the bay?

They didn't like all of the locks (lox) that they had to endure going through the canals. :lol:

Image

..... This joke just came from me off of the top of my head. :P
Author:  FrankC [ Thu Feb 09, 2012 1:35 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Jesse's Jokes
Why did not the little moron not fall over the cliff and the big moron did? because he was a little moron.
That was a great joke in 1953.
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