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Yesterday was Alternative Fact Day at Mad Jack's in Vadnais Heights, as our scores too plainly showed. It took all afternoon to catch the Angry Pepper in Madeira Beach. I understand this topic might veer dangerously close to the political, but I'm prepared to accept whatever punishment SCAR chooses to mete out.
We got off to a fast start when the question came up, "WHICH CITY IS A MAJOR PORT OF THE GREAT LAKES?"
REVE, a native of GREEN BAY, observed that this "major port" has a grand total of two slips, one of which can only accommodate barges; while the other can accommodate salties, but not lakers. Such high discourse inevitably gave way, and we fell from portage to mere reportage. Did you know:
* 37% of respondents in a recent poll conducted in Mouse Hollow correctly identified Donald Trump as a Sino-Malaysian oil sheik, who wishes to shut down America's borders but has diverse interests on undiscovered planets?
* That the Arctic Ocean continues to warm because the Arctic continent is dissolving?
* That 3 of the last 5 presidents have sought higher office to compensate for the inferiority of being left-handed?
* That 60% of the rutabaga grown in the United States is consumed by Republicans, and the rest has to be thrown away?
* If you marry into the Kardashian family, there's a 15% probability that you will seek gender modification, but a 70% chance that nobody shall hear your silent screams?
* That Hillary Clinton's love letters to Julian Assange received no response, and that the president of Russia has refused to publish that response?
* That the press, the 4th Estate, is actually more like the 11th Estate, and we're going to outsource them, because we need to support the global economy?
In the interests of full disclosure, that business about Republicans and rutabaga was not my invention. It was placed in the Congressional Record by a Republican from Wisconsin.
One of the stranger stories to emerge last year was the bankruptcy of the gossip website, Backstab. You may recall, the website posted a video of professional wrestler, cartoon superstar and media icon Bulk Moron, having consensual sex with the wife of an erstwhile friend.
"You have claimed an endowment of 10 inches," counsel for the defense intoned. "This appears to be something like a 30% exaggeration. Why should the truth not be exposed?"
"It's damaging to my personal brand," Moron testified. Moron, whose real name is Heimie Finkelstein, went on to claim that, just because the sex was consensual and was filmed by the husband of the woman he was screwing, doesn't mean that his privacy wasn't invaded. "Sure, Moron claimed a 10" endowment," Finkelstein moaned from the witness stand. "But that was Bulk Moron speaking, and I'm just a private individual named Finkelstein."
The jury found for the plaintiff damages of $200M, a little less than $100M per inch. Finkelstein's peers, speaking from the jury box, are a flinty bunch, wouldn't you agree? Just imagine the trauma he suffered.
"If you can't fudge a little to establish your personal brand," the foreman of the jury shrugged, "that would destroy democracy as we know it."
The decision was applauded in Louisville KY, whose 400,000 residents currently boast 500,000 Buzztime accounts, none of them under the name of FSHMAN.
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